Hm, yes that title is correct. It has been too long. BUT its been great. I couldnt have been happier..I couldnt have realized more that there are struggles in life that make us who we are. And that is what i had to keep telling myself.
I also believe that I was just in ONE of those moods writting that, but it was me, and it was true. I felt so deep and dark it was scary. But like I stated, the husband I have is my world, and would do anything for me. He helped me more than anyone could and I cant say I have found myself, that takes time but I have learned to not be scared of telling it HOW IT IS. And I love him for that, for listening and for careing.
Well anyways, sense it has been a while, this blog is going to be my way of venting too sense he has left.
Its my birthday today! and im sitting at home with my two kids watching t.v. I told my husband about 2 weeks ago that i think i might try quitting smoking on my birthday, to show my strength. To dig deep inside me and show this is MY day, MY choice, MY life. Smoking is BAD.. i get that. Have you ever put yourself in a smokers shoes? Sure for some it SEEMS easy to quit and for others. Its their way out. Its their way to get out of the office , Its their way to feel like they have something to look forward to, even if its killing you. But most of you non smokers also dont realize its a control process. I know I atleast always felt i was in control, If i could last a few hours with out one i felt STRONG. Even though deep down I wasnt the one in control. I needed the cigarette in my hand, I needed to inhale and FEEL the smoke go down to my loungs. I needed to feel that slight relief( it never lasted).
So this will be my, 4th attempt. I hope god can grant me the strength in knowing that I CAN be in control. I can tell myself Its going to get rough, but you DONT need it. Nothing/No one in your life controls you. So many this try will work. It also means i need to part myself FROM the smokers for a while, until i have control. Which in this place, is hard.
The other thing im getting rid of is DIET SODA . OH MY GOODNESS. I LOVE diet soda. No one has any idea. I could drink like. 10 a day. I sometimes replace my meals with it. its SO good.. its... another ...addiction. FAN FREAKING TASTIC....So i told myself IM GOING TO REGAIN CONTROL. Diet soda 1 on saturday, 1 on sunday. THATS IT. water it is. I NEED water haha. Expesually for my running. Running is my way out now. I may not be the best. I may have bad days and dont want to think about running, but that happens.
Sense Zack has left its been a train wreck, I went to this school( which is a 3 week long course) that this last week was HORRIBLE. Ive never been the type to lock my doors, or double check my alarm system, but now, I cant stop checking. I cant stop carrying my shot gun around. Im ready to shoot. Im ready to kill those that kill others for fun. AMERICA really has some FREAKED up killers. I belive they should all die. not be in jail where they can escape, ask TED BUNDY! LOL. uGH! but the horrible LIVE videos, and real pictures. The only way for us to see them was death of the criminal/ suicide/accident or capture of them.
Have you heard of the craigs list killer? HA yeah... IVE SEEN IT. ive HEARD it. IVE HAD TO SIT THROUGH IT. Its gross. He was terrible. And those screams of his victims and their faces with their struggle will never leave my mind. The families killed ( mostly women) by men that HATE them, because they are rejected in life by them is sad on their part, but NOT RIGHT. Oh but they do believe it is!
Its sad. And yes, lets say, Im having troubles sleeping, even with 2 large aggressive dogs( well... one and the other when he wants to be)... and a total control house alarm.OH and living across the street from the police station! I still dont feel safe! the criminals dont care!
Anyways, So that was last week, today on my birthday started out rough, and ended worse, kind of depressing. But I guess its life and I have to keep moving forward.
I take things extremely personal if you dont know me well.
I miss my husband oh so dearly much, hes my anchor. And my passion for life. Were doing so well and having so much fun together lately, BUT UGH it had to end, he had to be taken from me. Thats life. Thats the army, and I hate it. Im used to being with him on deployments, not away from him
So There is something im dying to say about myself, a problem that i have, but i dont think im ready to make it public. I believe im ready to talk a little about why i do this problem and why it comforts me. But not what it is, if you guess.. great.. congradulations... I feel control with it, the control I loose with alot of things that control me. I can say when i do it. But in reality i know deep down, i dont have control.. It once again CONTROLS ME. Its not ready to let me go yet. Its like it has a grasp on me. Giving me the life I always dreamed of, doing what i want when i want and allowing me to enjoy the things that someone ... my size, cant enjoy.
You have to remember dont judge a book by its cover, it goes both ways, when you see people dont think their just HAPPY. Yet when you know the THINGS/PROBLEMS dont judge like you know HOW to fix it for them. Dont tell them how bad it is, dont tell him its not that hard to stop it ( its bad for you why wouldnt stop it!) HA.. I would call you a hypocrite. I like to think that If we were meant to be perfect, we would.. We are given this problems, issues, and life struggles for a reason, to learn HOW to overcome them. And to help these people you need to be willing to drop YOUR WALL and take in and LISTEN to them. Dont talk...dont talk.. trust me, the person in the back of their head does enough talking. They need you to LISTEN. And understand. NOT ACCEPT, but understand. That maybe, even though you dont have THAT probelm you have SOMETHING like that.
Sigh...So there I think thats enough for me to talk about today. This is my blog, not like many blogs, it will be all over the place, but its my place to vent. My place to allow people to know a little about the real me and not what they see. Im still the person who loves you and enjoys being your friend, I just have some things that affect me that you never really knew. And if you did, then you listen... very well.....
Goodnight, and until next venting session( maybe tomorrow!)... LOVE yourself before you EXPECT life to get easier.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
First day to the Journey
Who am I? I don't know.
The past week I have struggled to come out of a house; my room...our room.
Ive gone out once and shut down completely. I dont know what made this week worse than others, but its coming to an end. I have cried more in the past month than a child who never got the toy they wanted for christmas. What have I cried for? I dont know.
That seems to be my answer for any question I ask myself. I DONT KNOW. If I knew it would be so much easier to find the happiness I had. So this journey begins. Holding on to what I have left, and fighting, not drowning and giving up the easiest pick of all the choices...but fighting. Im sure many tears will come to my eyes through this process because people have seen Ive been hurting but never knowing the true feelings withing. Im like a shatterd picture in a dark room. Trying to put ALL the pieces together right, not just for a temporary fix. I dont know how long it will take, I wish only a day. But for however long it takes, I know deep down I have a pillar who is willing to go any distance to make me happy even if its without him. And thats what hurts the most, I may have lost my passion but a second without him makes life not worth living. Just the presence of him puts comfort in my heart. He is my world, and was what I was waiting for all my life, I just need to find the passion that brought me to him. Because every day I go by unhappy, I see his eyes go deeper into thinking its him doing this to me. When its not. Its me.
The me Im trying to find.
Today Im making an effort to go back out to the world, go see a simple movie, and have lunch. This doesnt seem like much of a journey to anyone, but for me its a step to stop from hiding in a home Im most comfortable in.
Why am I crying over it? Please ! All im asking for is to shed some tears for meaning, not for anything my mind is struggling with knowing. Im sick of crying, and feeling empty.
River Flows in You- Yiruma
The past week I have struggled to come out of a house; my room...our room.
Ive gone out once and shut down completely. I dont know what made this week worse than others, but its coming to an end. I have cried more in the past month than a child who never got the toy they wanted for christmas. What have I cried for? I dont know.
That seems to be my answer for any question I ask myself. I DONT KNOW. If I knew it would be so much easier to find the happiness I had. So this journey begins. Holding on to what I have left, and fighting, not drowning and giving up the easiest pick of all the choices...but fighting. Im sure many tears will come to my eyes through this process because people have seen Ive been hurting but never knowing the true feelings withing. Im like a shatterd picture in a dark room. Trying to put ALL the pieces together right, not just for a temporary fix. I dont know how long it will take, I wish only a day. But for however long it takes, I know deep down I have a pillar who is willing to go any distance to make me happy even if its without him. And thats what hurts the most, I may have lost my passion but a second without him makes life not worth living. Just the presence of him puts comfort in my heart. He is my world, and was what I was waiting for all my life, I just need to find the passion that brought me to him. Because every day I go by unhappy, I see his eyes go deeper into thinking its him doing this to me. When its not. Its me.
The me Im trying to find.
Today Im making an effort to go back out to the world, go see a simple movie, and have lunch. This doesnt seem like much of a journey to anyone, but for me its a step to stop from hiding in a home Im most comfortable in.
Why am I crying over it? Please ! All im asking for is to shed some tears for meaning, not for anything my mind is struggling with knowing. Im sick of crying, and feeling empty.
River Flows in You- Yiruma
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