First day to the Journey

Who am I? I don't know.
The past week I have struggled to come out of a house; my room...our room.
Ive gone out once and shut down completely. I dont know what made this week worse than others, but its coming to an end. I have cried more in the past month than a child who never got the toy they wanted for christmas. What have I cried for? I dont know.
That seems to be my answer for any question I ask myself. I DONT KNOW. If I knew it would be so much easier to find the happiness I had. So this journey begins. Holding on to what I have left, and fighting, not drowning and giving up the easiest pick of all the choices...but fighting. Im sure many tears will come to my eyes through this process because people have seen Ive been hurting but never knowing the true feelings withing. Im like a shatterd picture in a dark room. Trying to put ALL the pieces together right, not just for a temporary fix. I dont know how long it will take, I wish only a day. But for however long it takes, I know deep down I have a pillar who is willing to go any distance to make me happy even if its without him. And thats what hurts the most, I may have lost my passion but a second without him makes life not worth living. Just the presence of him puts comfort in my heart. He is my world, and was what I was waiting for all my life, I just need to find the passion that brought me to him. Because every day I go by unhappy, I see his eyes go deeper into thinking its him doing this to me. When its not. Its me.
The me Im trying to find.
Today Im making an effort to go back out to the world, go see a simple movie, and have lunch. This doesnt seem like much of a journey to anyone, but for me its a step to stop from hiding in a home Im most comfortable in.
Why am I crying over it? Please ! All im asking for is to shed some tears for meaning, not for anything my mind is struggling with knowing. Im sick of crying, and feeling empty.

River Flows in You- Yiruma